Now what do I do?!

After my last post, two individuals asked a common question about discipline: “So, what do I do when my child does ___?” You can fill in the blank with whatever the most recent naughty, frustrating, or aggravating thing that your child just did. Although this is a relatively simple question, the answer can be quite complex. This is because children are different from one another in terms of motivation and therefore what affects one child to behave a certain way, may not have the same affect on another child. For example, one child may be very motivated by a piece of candy, while another will be motivated by time they can spend on the computer. Different kids respond to different things and therefore parents may need a variety of tools in their “discipline toolboxes”. Keep in mind that “fair” and “equal” doesn’t mean “the same”.

Two important tools for changing behavior are reinforcers and punishers. Both can be very effective if you understand the role that each plays and when to use each one. A reinforcer will increase a behavior, while a punisher will decrease a behavior. In order for a reinforcer to be effective the child must demonstrate the desired (or “good”) behavior after which the parent can reinforce it so the likelihood of it happening again increases. A punisher becomes effective if the child displays an undesired (or “bad”) behavior the parent wishes to decrease or eliminate. When the child performs this behavior, the punishment is designed to decrease the chances of it happening again. An important thing to remember is that lack of reinforcement is not a punishment, and lack of punishment isn’t a reinforcer. Also, the most effective reinforcements and punishments occur immediately after the behavior, are constant, and frequent.

The next question is, “how do I find out what will work as a reinforcer or punisher for my child”? First, I am yet to meet a child who is not motivated by anything, be it reward or punishment (but I have heard lots of parents tell me this!). A common motivator for most preadolescent children is the parent’s attention. Verbal praise from a parent can be a powerful reinforcer (again, increasing a behavior). Removal of attention (i.e. time-out) where the child does not have the parent’s attention can similarly be a powerful punisher (again, for decreasing a behavior) if used correctly. As for the individual child’s motivators, if parents will notice what the child does in their free time, you can usually identify what can be an effective reward or punisher. For example, my son loves video games while my daughter loves to play outside. Removal of video games for my son is very effective in gaining compliance, while this would be useless for my daughter. On the other hand, removing her privilege of playing outside is effective for her. Different kids, different motivators!