Rules for Parents

In my last post, I noted that parents are responsible for setting rules and consequences for their children. Well, many parents don’t know that there are specific “rules for parents”. Paul Jenkins, PhD, one of my supervisors and a good friend listed these four rules for parents:

1) Take care of yourself
2) Take care of the team
3) Love your kids
4) Discipline your kids

It should be noted that these rules should be followed in order. Specifically, when a family is stressed (including parents or children), the first rule for parents is to take care of themselves. A parent can’t care for their child anymore than they can care for themselves. Second, parents need to take care of the team. Who is the team? In most cases, it is your spouse, but may include anyone who helps you care for your kids. In almost every case, your relationship with your spouse is more important than your relationship with children. Rules three and four go hand in hand but require balance: too much love and not enough discipline and kids end up with problems. Conversely, too much discipline and not enough love and kids end up with problems.

Many times while working with parents, they appear tired, stressed and burned-out. Often, they are surprised when I tell them to take some time for themselves (such as go out for dinner, do something you enjoy, or something relaxing). If they feel guilty, I explain that if they feel better, they will be much more helpful for their kids. Then, I tell them to go on dates with their spouses or significant others. Then we work on love and discipline. If you parents will follow these rules in order, you will be amazed at how much better you will feel and how much better your kids will do too!

What Do You Control?

There is an important principle that is implied in my last post that I need to clarify: the issue of control between parents and children. I have had many patients ask me “how do I get my child to make the right choice?” after being frustrated with a choice their child made despite the parents having used appropriate reinforcers and punishers. The simple answer to this is: you don’t. Now, before you throw up your hands in frustration, it is critical to specify what you control and what your child controls.

Parents control two very important issues for their children: the rules and the consequences. Within the limits of the law, parents can set almost any rules they want for their children and the subsequent consequences for following or breaking the rules. These rules should be based on promoting the child’s safety, success, and happiness. Similar to the rules, consequences must be within the limits of the law (thus preventing abuse!) but may include things like access to their parents’ “stuff” such as use of TV’s, computers, permission, etc.

Although they do not control the rules or consequences, children still have an important aspect of control: choice. Or, in other words, they can choose to either follow the rules or not. Thus, even though parents may establish the rules and consequences, the child still may choose to make a poor choice. Now, it should be recognized that the child often does not like or agree with the rules or the consequences, but this is not in their control. Interestingly, because of this, many children may think their parents are forcing them to do something because the child does not like the consequences that will come from their choice; however, they still have the ability to choose and therefore are not being forced.

I like to compare families and homes to miniature countries. The parents, as the government of the miniature country, set the laws and the consequences. The child chooses to follow the laws or not. For example, if I was driving down the freeway, I may notice a speed limit sign (the rule). Now, I did not set the speed limit, I may not agree with it, and I may not even like it. Further, I may not want the speeding ticket that would come from getting caught for breaking the speed limit (the consequence). Both the speed limit and the consequence are not under my control, but I still have a choice: I can follow the speed limit or not. The same principle applies for children and parents with regard to rules and behavior.

Now what do I do?!

After my last post, two individuals asked a common question about discipline: “So, what do I do when my child does ___?” You can fill in the blank with whatever the most recent naughty, frustrating, or aggravating thing that your child just did. Although this is a relatively simple question, the answer can be quite complex. This is because children are different from one another in terms of motivation and therefore what affects one child to behave a certain way, may not have the same affect on another child. For example, one child may be very motivated by a piece of candy, while another will be motivated by time they can spend on the computer. Different kids respond to different things and therefore parents may need a variety of tools in their “discipline toolboxes”. Keep in mind that “fair” and “equal” doesn’t mean “the same”.

Two important tools for changing behavior are reinforcers and punishers. Both can be very effective if you understand the role that each plays and when to use each one. A reinforcer will increase a behavior, while a punisher will decrease a behavior. In order for a reinforcer to be effective the child must demonstrate the desired (or “good”) behavior after which the parent can reinforce it so the likelihood of it happening again increases. A punisher becomes effective if the child displays an undesired (or “bad”) behavior the parent wishes to decrease or eliminate. When the child performs this behavior, the punishment is designed to decrease the chances of it happening again. An important thing to remember is that lack of reinforcement is not a punishment, and lack of punishment isn’t a reinforcer. Also, the most effective reinforcements and punishments occur immediately after the behavior, are constant, and frequent.

The next question is, “how do I find out what will work as a reinforcer or punisher for my child”? First, I am yet to meet a child who is not motivated by anything, be it reward or punishment (but I have heard lots of parents tell me this!). A common motivator for most preadolescent children is the parent’s attention. Verbal praise from a parent can be a powerful reinforcer (again, increasing a behavior). Removal of attention (i.e. time-out) where the child does not have the parent’s attention can similarly be a powerful punisher (again, for decreasing a behavior) if used correctly. As for the individual child’s motivators, if parents will notice what the child does in their free time, you can usually identify what can be an effective reward or punisher. For example, my son loves video games while my daughter loves to play outside. Removal of video games for my son is very effective in gaining compliance, while this would be useless for my daughter. On the other hand, removing her privilege of playing outside is effective for her. Different kids, different motivators!