So, Whose Fault is it?

In my work, I am often asked the question “How often are the problems that the children are having the fault of the parents?” Even the parents of the child having the problems will often assume that they "must be doing something wrong” for their child to be experiencing such issues. Further, parents may often experience guilt while thinking they have done something (or didn't do something) that is causing the problem. Interestingly, I have found that most often (not always, but most often) the parents have not done anything to cause the problems the child is experiencing and their guilt is undeserved. Now, this doesn’t mean that the parents can’t do anything to help fix the problem; it simply means that they probably didn’t cause it. Just because one can be part of the solution, doesn’t mean that that they were the cause of the problem to begin with.

This is often particularly true in the case of psychopathology, or specific disorders that children may be experiencing. For example, a child with ADHD (yes, it is a real disorder) often has symptoms that the parents did not cause. However, a significant part of effective treatment for is what the parents do in response to the child’s behavior (i.e. using effective behavioral management strategies). Therefore, the parent becomes part of the solution, although they didn’t cause the problems.

Another fun way of looking at it is an example of a child making a mess in their room (or any other room for that matter; even the best, most attentive, aware parents have kiddos that make messes!). Is it the parent’s fault the child made the mess? No, but the parent often ends up directing the child to clean the mess, helping the child clean up the mess, or doing it themselves. In any case, the parent is helping to solve a problem she/he didn’t cause.