What Do You Control?

There is an important principle that is implied in my last post that I need to clarify: the issue of control between parents and children. I have had many patients ask me “how do I get my child to make the right choice?” after being frustrated with a choice their child made despite the parents having used appropriate reinforcers and punishers. The simple answer to this is: you don’t. Now, before you throw up your hands in frustration, it is critical to specify what you control and what your child controls.

Parents control two very important issues for their children: the rules and the consequences. Within the limits of the law, parents can set almost any rules they want for their children and the subsequent consequences for following or breaking the rules. These rules should be based on promoting the child’s safety, success, and happiness. Similar to the rules, consequences must be within the limits of the law (thus preventing abuse!) but may include things like access to their parents’ “stuff” such as use of TV’s, computers, permission, etc.

Although they do not control the rules or consequences, children still have an important aspect of control: choice. Or, in other words, they can choose to either follow the rules or not. Thus, even though parents may establish the rules and consequences, the child still may choose to make a poor choice. Now, it should be recognized that the child often does not like or agree with the rules or the consequences, but this is not in their control. Interestingly, because of this, many children may think their parents are forcing them to do something because the child does not like the consequences that will come from their choice; however, they still have the ability to choose and therefore are not being forced.

I like to compare families and homes to miniature countries. The parents, as the government of the miniature country, set the laws and the consequences. The child chooses to follow the laws or not. For example, if I was driving down the freeway, I may notice a speed limit sign (the rule). Now, I did not set the speed limit, I may not agree with it, and I may not even like it. Further, I may not want the speeding ticket that would come from getting caught for breaking the speed limit (the consequence). Both the speed limit and the consequence are not under my control, but I still have a choice: I can follow the speed limit or not. The same principle applies for children and parents with regard to rules and behavior.